Being in a kinky, poly M/s relationship, arguing with my partner
presents some rather unique challenges as compared to past relationships of
mine. Namely, that yelling, “fuck you and your taste in salad dressing!” and
slamming the door will earn you immediate punishment instead of hours of
pointless passive aggressive debate.
Now on the outset
the idea that arguments could be solved with a simple Master-is-right-slave-is
wrong-unless-it-pleases-Master-for-slave-to-be-right mentality was really
refreshing, because it meant that it often wasn’t worth it to get into dumb
petty arguments about shit like toilet paper, or what to have for dinner. So we
never did. Honestly, I thought I’d stumbled on the magical solution for those
petty relationship squabbles. I would walk through the grocery store listening
to couples fight over steak or chicken and think “I am so above that shit. We
are so above that shit. Isn’t it wonderful that a power dynamic solved all my
past relationship problems?”
For those petty
stupid problems an M/s dynamic actually does work quite well for resolving
conflict, I’ll get behind that. Because if one partner is given unilateral
power to make those little decisions that breed ridiculous resentment and discontent,
and for the other partner acquiescing to those demands is sexy… well, I see no
problem there.
There is, however,
a problem when that attitude bleeds over into major life things. When, in my
own head I began to internalize the idea that arguing with my Master was not
only pointless and unslave-like, it might de-stabilize our dynamic. My desire
to serve might be called into question. My role in his life might be a little
less convenient. It was compounded by my Master’s tendency, when called into
question, to get aggressively defensive.
So rather than argue with my Master about major life issues, I
began instead to
just alter my needs to fit with changing circumstances. Rather
than calling him out over several serious violations of our Poly agreement, and major general Polyfuckery, I
agreed with him that I was simply not as good at Poly as he was, and would have
to get better at it. Rather than argue with him about the amount of play I was
getting, I resolved to do with less. I gave away more and more of my agency in
the relationship, because arguing with someone you’ve given your power to is
hard. Because gaslighting yourself seems like the right, most slave-like thing
to do.
To make arguing even more challenging for me, I had such
positive re-enforcement given when I simply caved to his every whim, because
when he’s pleased with me, its like being face raped by the brightest fucking
rays of sunshine. So to call him out, see him upset, and know that you’re just
going to end up feeling like the one wrong anyways, plus now he’s going to be
pissed…Well, that’s like being ass raped by the Queen of England wearing cactus
for a strapon. Its uncomfortable- hell it fucking hurts, but it’s the goddamn
queen of England and you should accept her displeasure.
Now, to my Master’s credit, we’re much better now. But it took a
third party to point out that I was letting the triple threat of my desire to
please, his aggressive defense tactics, and my overarching belief that he
truly, always knew best, get in the way of my voice in the relationship. I let
these things get in the way, too, of something of value I bring to relationships,
an astonishing capacity for analyzing the past, determining patterns, and
applying them to potential future outcome. Long-term foresight- I’m really
great at it.
I should have seen
the damage that going along with everything my Master said would do, and I
failed to see it. He now owns his mistakes, and has done everything in his
power to set them right, giving up quite a few of the conveniences of having a
girlfriend with no real say in the direction a relationship takes. Yet even now
that this serious flaw in our M/s dynamic has been pointed out, arguing with
someone I’m in a power dynamic with continues to be a challenge, because its
always a struggle to determine whether what I’m upset about is of consequence,
or not. When you throw in decisions revolving around non-hierarchical poly into
the mix, its even more confusing.
The awesomely kick
ass thing about poly though, is that I now have this loving third party, with
investment in my partner and understanding of my Master’s unique whims and ways
to bounce things off of when I’m unsure. A person to say, “Hey, so this thing,
I’m not sure if it’s a PROBLEM problem, or just a problem.” Often times, its
this other voice that tells me when its time to swallow my slave-y pride and
say “with all due respect Sir, I think you may need to think about it this way
instead.”
This isn’t to say
that having another invested individual around makes arguing within a power
dynamic suddenly simple. Quite the opposite in fact, as now there are three
relationships in play, two power exchanges, one delicate dance of metamours,
and three very different ways of dealing with criticism all attempting to
deflect each other. When my Master’s puffer fish-esque defense tactics run into
my black hole of suck and negativity, its bad enough. Throw a word vomiting
over-analyzer into the mix and all of a sudden you’re feeding each other’s bad
conflict resolution habits. It’s like Poly survivor with people making
allegiances and voting each other’s understanding of their relationship
realities off the Poly island.
Ultimately, when
it comes to arguing in a power dynamic, I guess I’ve settled on this weird grey
area where I just try to keep this one idea I’ve had on my mind lately in the
forefront of my decision making. The very best way I can serve is to strive to
help my Master be the best fucking human being he can be. Sometimes that means
making sure his house is spotless, his dishes and laundry done, and his back
rubbed, so he can focus on himself. Sometimes that means supporting him,
holding him, having his back when he’s going through times of uncomfortable
personal growth. But sometimes- sometimes the very best way I can serve is to provide
alternative insight and perspectives into the things he’s struggling with.
Insight and perspectives that he’s overlooked, or isn’t seeing.
Sometimes that means pinning him down and bashing him in the
face with his mistakes and shortcomings. That sucks for everyone involved, and
temporarily shifting the balance of power in our relationship is sometimes the
fallout of one of those Come to Jesus talks. More often then not all three of
us get involved, and while early on these talks were full weekend State of the
Union affairs, lately, they seem to be going easier. Fewer tears, better
resolutions, and fewer “wait, you guys are doing/did what/ did who? Regardless
too, of the outcome of these talks, they always end up bringing me back around
to stand at his side, rather than over him with his issues wielded like a club.
And it’s at his side where I feel I really belong. Sometimes falling in step,
sometimes trailing behind picking up the pieces, and sometimes, dragging him
kicking and screaming down a new, better scary path, knowing all the while that
as long as I’m in the front, I’ll be able to head off the pitfalls and thorns.
It’s been worth it
every time I’ve done this, taken the lead and a face full off thorns for it.
Its worth it, because more often than not on the other side there is a better,
stronger Master, supporting me in turn, caring for me, and quietly sweeping
aside the thorns on my own path that my super duper awesome powers of uber
foresight failed to see.